25/09/2010 18:21

You never thought things could go wrong; suddenly your world comes crashing down and the dreaded thought of a break up hovers round your head. He/She meant the whole world to you, gave you meaning, but it is a different story today. A break up is a painful experience and at times, it leaves people scarred emotionally for life because people in troubled relationships have various expectations. Although heartbreaking, there are exceptional circumstances where it is advisable and healthy to go through a break up; but this post is centred on a few lessons to be learnt from a break up/broken relationship.

Several factors could contribute to a broken relationship namely:

  • Communication breakdown
  • A change in circumstances
  • Lack of trust and disrespect
  • Lying and cheating.
  • Personal Issues
  • Pride

The list is endless but the aim of this post is to highlight 7 lessons to be learnt from a break up or broken relationship. In no particular order, they are as follows:

1.    Pull Yourself Together: This involves gaining control of your thoughts and emotions. It’s a difficult phase of life but you’ve got to pull yourself together and the following might help: Acknowledge how you feel and avoid living in self denial. The bitter truth is ‘it’s over’. Although painful, you have to accept it for all the logical reasons.(hmmh!!! am I being harsh here?). It’s perfectly natural to feel sad, left out, possibly cry when going through a broken relationship because a lot of effort, time, love, care, money… has been invested in building the relationship, but it’s important to pull yourself together. You may be causing more harm to your well being, body, mind…. by not acknowledging how you feel.  Once you’ve accepted your feelings, it’s time to loosen your grip and LET IT GO. Interact with people, talk to friends, family, colleagues… about it, get occupied constructively… with the sole aim of starting the healing process. Understand the importance of taking time out to relax and once you are in control of your emotions, do a bit of reflection on the major conflicts that gave rise to actual break up. Did you have any major part to play in the break up? Was there a display of arrogance, selfishness, love lost and is there a possibility of accepting some responsibility? Finally, in pulling yourself together, allow time take it’s course, refresh mind, spirit and heart with a view to strengthening your emotions and boosting your self confidence. Time brings recovery and gives you the opportunity to rebuild optimism.


2.    Appreciate Who You Are: Always remember you are a unique and lovely to behold. You could also spend more time discovering your purpose, who you really are, your temperaments, likes/dislikes…Be yourself; authentic, bold, loving, beautiful (handsome); come on! Appreciate who you are constructively. The following tips may help:

·       Appreciate and fall in love with your body. My friend Lauren explains this further in her post ‘Fall In Love With Your Body Now’.

·       Accept you are unique; a human being with flaws and attaining complete perfection is far fetched.

·       Avoid going through paths that lead nowhere, assuming compromising roles or people pleasing. It’s important you adher to this because you are vulnerable, could be manipulated or taken for granted. A quick note on people pleasing, my friend Jen Smith explains this in a post ‘How To Stop Being A People Pleaser’.

·       Finally, in appreciating who you are, there is a need to care for your body. People become careless with their looks, appear rough and unkempt due to stress, strain excessive frustration as a result of a broken relationship/break up.

The following tips may prove useful in taking care of yourself:

·       Get enough rest each day

·       Don’t abstain from food and drink plenty of water.

·       Go for long walks, listen to music, and get a massage…

·       Develop a routine for several activities.

·       Dress up, look sharp/smart, do not forget to apply your make up properly, get a haircut, shave or trim your beards…

·       Get a manicure and pedicure

·       Be, Look and Feel confident displaying a positive body image.

·       Smile more and frown less...

·       Have good personal habits or hygiene

·       Pamper yourself in the bath with oils, soothing music and skin moisturisers.

3.    Work On Improving Your Self Esteem: Self Esteem refers to the overall beliefs, opinions you have about yourself; the value placed on yourself as an individual and your ability to cope or derive pleasures (happiness) from the basic challenges of life.There is a slight chance of your self-esteem taking a good beating because of a broken relationship or break up. Once a low self-esteem kicks in you lose your self-confidence, posture, ability to gather your thought. The following tips might lift your self-esteem when going through a break up:

·       Be secured in who, what and who you are.

·       Take an optimistic view to life despite your current situation.

·       Show determination to succeed in every phase of your life, not giving up as a result of the temporary setback currently faced in your relationship.

·       Avoid wallowing in self-pity. It is important you learn to be and act responsibly.

·       Begin to focus on and believe in your dreams and if you don’t have any START DREAMING.

·       Be very clear and realistic about your goals and aspirations.

·       Be thankful for things you have, people who love you and have spent time supporting or impacting your life.

·       Turn the experience around. Ideally, the purpose of every experience is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.

·       Handle the break up properly and in a matured manner.

4.    Connect With Friends And Family: There is so much to be gained from connecting with friends and family.

·       They provide emotional support.

·       Spending time with them reduces the hours of loneliness.

·       They provide listening ears and offer various forms of encouragement.

·       Spending time with friends and family is a great way to get things off your mind in relation to your break up.

In addition to connecting with friends and family you could also seek professional help where/when necessary and the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, may be employed.

5.    Get On With Life: This may appear slightly controversial; but having the understanding everything happens for a reason and life generally involves facing hurdles and challenges, I submit today, it is important you get on with life Sitting in the corner of your room feeling miserable, hating men or women, getting drunk or hooked on drugs will not bring about any form of consolation. It only makes matters worse and you need to recognise sometimes you cannot find interpretations to the events of life. The following may help you get on with life. I must stress it is not really an easy phase but it can be achieved: 

·       Explore new interests, activities and the possibility of moving back into the realms of dating.

·       Enjoy all aspects of being single again.

·       Face your fears.

·       Sometimes it’s the best thing to do. A break up could be deemed as an acceptable or healthy option for preventing further heartbreaks. eg. cases of lying, cheating……

·       Reach out to others

·       Learn to forgive yourself and your ex although you’ve split up. Don’t feel stupid or worthless at the current situation.

·       Fight the thoughts that tell you that you are a failure and are to blame for the end of your relationship.

·       Don’t waste time on regret.

·       If you’ve got children, please spend time raising them and showing good examples.

·       Define your relationship with your ex.

·       Look for a job, start or finish your degree, find a new flat or place to rent.

·       Start a hobby, go travelling, have a holiday…

·       Get to meet people, go out on dates after a while.

·       Most of all, plan for a bright future.

6.    You Can Be Happy Again: Happiness is important because it improves your mood, alleviates depression and it would take your mind off the broken relationship.

The following tips may help in restoring your happiness:

·       Change your thinking; that will help change the way you feel.

·       If you have children, spend time taking care of them and watch them grow into responsible adults.

·       Make new friends or meet new people.

·       Counting your blessings

·       Positive interaction with children, friends, families and colleagues…

·       Showing genuine acts of kindness to different people

The list is endless and you could kindly contribute to it

7.    Start Again: Get back into the dating race or game lol! And it’s not cheeky.You can do it; so get in there!